Your Grief Journey - Why Do Friends Drift Away?
Social support starts to wane early in the grief journey.
This lack of support makes your grief journey more difficult.
Still, friends can be the difference between acceptance of loss and complicated grief.
I understand this because I lost four loved ones in 2007.
Friends sent bouquet after bouquet of flowers.
Some friends took me out to lunch.
Cards arrived by the hundreds.
But six weeks later, most of my friends had returned to their own lives.
Thank goodness a small circle of friends stuck with me.
I wondered why some friends stayed and others disappeared.
The American Cancer Society, in a website article, "Risk Factors for Complicated Grief and Other Negative Bereavement Outcomes," says social support is highly complex.
"Lack of social support is a risk factor for negative bereavement outcomes," the article notes.
So why do our friends drift away? There are four key reasons.
1.
Friends have their own responsibilities.
Your friends may be busy raising children and involved with school activities.
In this tough economy, thousands of women have returned to work to support their families.
Women and men may have to work overtime to keep their jobs.
Some friends may be caring for a chronically ill family member or have health problems of their own.
2.
Friends do not know how to help.
Age has a lot to do with the help you receive from friends.
"Many people do not have occasion to attend a funeral until late adulthood," according to Helen Fitzgerald, a Certified Thanatologist.
She makes this point in an American Hospice Foundation website article, "Helping Your Bereaved Friend.
" Fitzgerald also says cultural and ritual differences may also make it difficult for friends to help.
3.
Friends may fear emotional pain.
If a friend offers to help, he or she is adding pain to their life.
In his book, "Life After Loss" Bob Deits cautions people about helping the bereaved.
"When you get involved with the grief of other people, you should know one thing," he writes.
"Sharing in the grief of others is like playing in the mud.
You can't do it without getting some on you!" The friends who pull back are not trying to hurt you, they are trying to avoid pain, a natural human response.
4.
Friends may live far away.
Distance affects the support you receive from friends.
My husband and I have close friends in California.
While their phone calls and emails are comforting, these forms of communication are not as comforting as personal contact.
It is easier for friends to help when they live near by.
Friends are busy, at times frantically busy, with their own lives.
Support is still available.
Your religious community may have a grief support group.
Local hospitals and clinics may have support groups as well.
Internet websites and blogs are another source of support.
Tap these networks and you may find a new group of friends to help you with your grief journey.
Copyright 2010 by Harriet Hodgson
This lack of support makes your grief journey more difficult.
Still, friends can be the difference between acceptance of loss and complicated grief.
I understand this because I lost four loved ones in 2007.
Friends sent bouquet after bouquet of flowers.
Some friends took me out to lunch.
Cards arrived by the hundreds.
But six weeks later, most of my friends had returned to their own lives.
Thank goodness a small circle of friends stuck with me.
I wondered why some friends stayed and others disappeared.
The American Cancer Society, in a website article, "Risk Factors for Complicated Grief and Other Negative Bereavement Outcomes," says social support is highly complex.
"Lack of social support is a risk factor for negative bereavement outcomes," the article notes.
So why do our friends drift away? There are four key reasons.
1.
Friends have their own responsibilities.
Your friends may be busy raising children and involved with school activities.
In this tough economy, thousands of women have returned to work to support their families.
Women and men may have to work overtime to keep their jobs.
Some friends may be caring for a chronically ill family member or have health problems of their own.
2.
Friends do not know how to help.
Age has a lot to do with the help you receive from friends.
"Many people do not have occasion to attend a funeral until late adulthood," according to Helen Fitzgerald, a Certified Thanatologist.
She makes this point in an American Hospice Foundation website article, "Helping Your Bereaved Friend.
" Fitzgerald also says cultural and ritual differences may also make it difficult for friends to help.
3.
Friends may fear emotional pain.
If a friend offers to help, he or she is adding pain to their life.
In his book, "Life After Loss" Bob Deits cautions people about helping the bereaved.
"When you get involved with the grief of other people, you should know one thing," he writes.
"Sharing in the grief of others is like playing in the mud.
You can't do it without getting some on you!" The friends who pull back are not trying to hurt you, they are trying to avoid pain, a natural human response.
4.
Friends may live far away.
Distance affects the support you receive from friends.
My husband and I have close friends in California.
While their phone calls and emails are comforting, these forms of communication are not as comforting as personal contact.
It is easier for friends to help when they live near by.
Friends are busy, at times frantically busy, with their own lives.
Support is still available.
Your religious community may have a grief support group.
Local hospitals and clinics may have support groups as well.
Internet websites and blogs are another source of support.
Tap these networks and you may find a new group of friends to help you with your grief journey.
Copyright 2010 by Harriet Hodgson
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