I've never been much of a bandwagon guy.
I've always had my opinions on things but have generally adopted a "live and let live" mentality.
As of right now, I'm dropping my peaceable attitude and climbing on board the "Christmas decorations already?" train.
I have heard this complaint for years and have just shaken my head in general disgust over the situation without expressing my opinion, but this year it hit close to home.
The vow of silence is broken.
Climb aboard the Bellyache Express, because we're leaving the station and not stopping until I run out of steam.
Let me back up a bit.
Dateline, October 8, 2007, Pell City, AL while shopping at the humongous, one stop, shopping Mecca:charcoal is nowhere to be found.
I was there to buy various and sundry things for my daughters upcoming birthday party at which we were going to grill burgers and hotdogs for the guests.
As a grilling enthusiast, I prefer natural lump charcoal and have had little difficulty finding it at said shopping Mecca.
I wandered around all the places it could normally be found, but oddly, it had gone missing.
Hmm.
It was at this very moment that I discovered why.
The shelving normally reserved for my precious lump charcoal, charcoal briquettes, lighter fluid, etc.
, etc.
, had been cleaned out to make way for tinsel and garland and lights and Santa Clauses and ornaments and reindeer.
I stopped and looked around to make sure I was actually seeing what I thought I was seeing.
I took off my glasses and cleaned off the lenses hoping that the dust accumulation was somehow distorting the images and just making me think I was seeing Christmas stuff.
No dice.
I asked an employee, "Excuse me, what is today's date?"They answered, "Umm, I think it is the 8th".
"Of October?", I asked.
The employee looked at me confused and said "Yes, sir.
October".
"Just making sure I hadn't slipped into a coma and had just woken up", I explained.
They walked off looking as though they had been talking to a crazy person.
Christmas decorations on October 8th.
There were still 23 days until Halloween.
There were 45 days until Thanksgiving and 78 days until Christmas.
The boys of summer were still taking the field.
Football was just taking shape.
It was still grilling weather.
I was in shorts and a t-shirt.
There was still 20% of year 2007 remaining before Christmas morning would dawn.
"You've GOT to be kidding me! It's too soon for this!", I proclaimed in disgust.
I hadn't even bought Halloween candy for trick or treaters and frying a turkey was barely a remote thought.
I can't take it any more.
If Christmas in October is what the world wants then I have a suggestion.
I propose we abandon Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's celebrations and meld them into one big event that runs continuously from October straight through to January 1.
Something like Halthanksmasyear.
It'll be a grand celebration where Santa Claus rises from his tomb and traverses the earth with his ghost reindeer that pull his sled "The Mayflower" looking to terrorize children's dreams and mortify humanity with his ghastly, disfigured appearance.
He could strike any place at any time.
Fortunately for mankind, there are the Wampanoag Indians, who are known for their delectable preparation of turkey, cranberry sauce, stuffing, potatoes and pumpkin pie.
They, being a kind and generous people, convince the evil Claus to join them for a meal.
Having been in the grave for months, he is starving and agrees to the Wampanoag plea for him to join them.
They gather around Plymouth Rock for the feast, eat until they're sick and pass out while watching the Lions and Packers play football.
During this carbohydrate overloaded, serotonin induced state of sedation and euphoria, the ghost of Christmas visits the unconscious Claus and takes him back to what made him evil to begin with.
The ghost helps him to realize that he cannot go on terrorizing people just because he was unable to locate charcoal.
He awakens, only to find himself alone with a decision to be made.
The enlightened Santa looks around at the newly fallen snow, puts on a beard to hide his face and begins taking toys to the children he once terrorized and fruit cake to the adults he once frightened in an effort to make amends for his misdeeds.
The people hearing about this change of demeanor remain skeptical and leave him cookies and milk hoping they're not the ones to hack him off and make him return to his old, evil ways.
He gets so big from the cookies and milk that he has to go on Jenny Craig to try and shed a few pounds.
Celebrity endorsements annoy him so badly, though, that he snaps and resolves to seek revenge on the whole world in the New Year for tolerating "entertainers" continuing to make product endorsements and for the way they got on his nerves.
As he attempts to fly away in a rage he gets broadsided by a young, spoiled, Hollywood star and party regular who is driving under the influence and talking on a cell phone.
As he strikes the ground, the Mayflower in flames, he vows to rise again.
Next October.
Now wouldn't that be better than what we have now?You'd better watch out- Santa Claus is coming to town.