Q: My in-laws mean well, and I want them to be involved with their grandchild's life. In fact, my mother-in-law cares for my young son while I'm at work twice a week. But my in-laws want a say in how we discipline our boy. They are constantly undermining my decisions. I tell them that I don't want my son to eat unhealthy snacks, such as potato chips, and they give them to him. I ask that he naps at noon, and they'll let him wait until four or five to let him sleep, which means he doesn't go to bed on time at night.

Worst of all, I want him to learn to sit and eat and share his toys, and they are constantly saying he's too young to understand discipline, so they won't re-enforce what I've tried to teach him at home. How can I get them to listen to me and stick with my rules and schedule without offending them or fighting with my husband, their son?
A: This is a dilemma that parents have been facing for as long as grandparents have been pitching in with the child-rearing. Since you work, you need the in-laws to help you with your child. Of course, you could send him to daycare or find a babysitter. But that costs lots of money, and it's always better, if possible, to leave your children in the care of those who love them most. For starters, you should remind yourself that you're lucky to have this option because other parents, who are reading this, are green with envy.

Still, this does not give your in-laws carte blanche to ignore your rules. You are still the mom, which makes you top dog. You, along with the child's father in this case, get to make the final decisions about discipline, nap times, and all the rest.

To start, you should have a talk with your husband. Make sure the two of you are on the same page. He needs to agree with both your rules and the fact that the two of you have the final say about parenting. When you broach the subject with hubby, be sure to stay calm. Never belittle his parents or make it a "you versus them" scenario. Say something like, "I'm so grateful your parents pitch in with junior, but I'm concerned about a couple of things that are happening and I'd like to talk to you about it." Remember, you might be angry. But these are your spouse's parents and your child's grandparents. They love them, and you should do everything in your power to keep the peace.

The next step requires you and your spouse arranging a time to talk to your in-laws. You can be present if you'd like to show a united front, but you should let your spouse do the talking. After all, his parents are less likely to feel attacked if it's their own son sharing the feedback. Again, your husband should avoid hurting his parents feelings by starting the conversation on a positive note. He might try, "Junior enjoys spending all this extra time with you, and we're so thankful that you can help us, but we want to set a few ground rules, so he doesn't get confused. Here's what we were thinking..."

Of course, keep tabs of the situation moving forward. Make sure you've gotten through to your in-laws. If they are still not making an effort to stick with the goals you've set for naps, discipline, etc., then check in with them. You might also just ask them how things are going or if they have any concerns when you drop off or pick up your son. As long as you keep everything friendly, you should be able to discuss your child without having an argument erupt. After all, in the end, you all just want to do right by your child.

Also, be flexible. If your son falls asleep at 1:30 instead of noon, then let it go. Allow them to give him a piece of cake on his birthday or their anniversary. Realize that you can't be rigid or have impossible expectations.