Do you break your back trying to be a good woman to your man? Are you finding yourself at a loss in a bad marriage to a man who treats you like a roommate or a housekeeper? Maybe he even admits that he "cares for you a lot" but still doesn't show any signs of being "in love" and emotionally available to the marriage? Is he always finding reasons to not be home or not spend time with you? Are you trying desperately to keep him around and inspire him to come back to you by being "the best wife ever"? And worse, are your attempts to show him he is loved and that your home is a welcoming, safe place for him to relax and rest proving ineffective? If these questions sound like familiar descriptions of a marriage, honey, you are not alone! So many women are experiencing the same one-sided, frustrating relationship dynamic that you are right now! In a modern society where most women have jobs and work hard to put their smart minds and powerful professional assets to good use, we are still feeling uncertain as to how to succeed in the home.
We don't want to seem like 1950s wives who "shut up and please" but we don't want to seem like "controlling, ball busters" either.
So what do we do? Out of desperation, frustration, and a lack of useful insight and tools, we usually end up some version of one or both of these.
For example: Do you try hard to dance around your husband's insecurities and moods, hoping not to seem to "domineering"? Do you come home from work where you play the "tough, competent card" only to throw on a plastic smile and an apron to play the "sexy, sweet, can-do-it-all wife card" to a man who doesn't seem to respond to your efforts? Do you take rare moments where your husband is listening and is acting affectionate to calmly and coolly tell him all the ways in which he needs to "buck up and be a better man for the family"? See, it's not our fault.
We want to do what we can to resuscitate our relationship but we don't know how to reach our man's heart.
We don't know how to "snap him out of it" and bring him back into the marriage.
What you can do is stop trying to be a nice, capable, and emotionally level-headed wife.
Stop trying to hide behind your feelings of frustration and your fears of inadequacy.
Chances are he feels the same way as you.
Chances are he feels like a failure to your marriage and angry at himself that he isn't feeling more for you, and two people who are not communicating the truth are not getting any closer to one another! My recommendation to you is to do NOTHING! Stop catering to him and your relationship completely.
Take some time to rest from love and work on doing things for YOU and YOUR happiness.
Even if you are scared he will leave if you don't give him all your focus and attention, tell yourself that the only way you can be what he needs you to be is if you rest a bit, get a handle on your fears, and find the energy to redirect your focus on doing things for the relationship that work! Start being nice to YOU and your feelings.
Allow your feelings to come and go as they please.
Don't act on them but don't push them down, and don't feel like a failure for feeling insecure, scared, and angry as heck! Again, refrain from letting these feelings dictate your behavior and words around your husband.
In fact, try to refrain from talking to him about HIM at all.
Be selfish about your health and happiness.
Start a hobby or take some vacation time by yourself.
When you start to feel less tired and drained, try to stop yourself from going back to "nice wife who respectfully complains a lot.
" Try instead to find moments where you can laugh with him and enjoy his company without having to show him that you are a great wife and supportive woman.
Just be silly together and try to only connect with him when you are feeling more positive inside your heart.
Then try to really talk to your husband about your feelings and needs in the relationship.